O.J. Sicko Hates
Ah. Thank god, it's over. The boring days after Christmas and New Years eve have started. December is the month I hate the most. Even though I'm safely locked up from society I still can't stand the thought of hundreds and hundreds of people shuffling their way through shopping malls, stopping at every window to stare at junk they don't need anyway. I remember the time I was still out there just wanting to buy a pair of shoes. I couldn't move. People everywhere, in front of me standing still, behind me pushing, 'jingle bells' blasting out of all the speakers, screaming children, mothers and grandparents browsing around in clothes and parfumes, the smell of fake christmas trees hanging in the air. And all I wanted was to buy a pair of shoes I knew where to get, which size, which color and I couldn't get into the shop only five metres away from me! I went beserk, strangled two kids, gave three old folks a heart attack, threw a mother through a window stabbed a Santa Claus. It took the Police five people to restrain me. And now I'm in here for life.
I just can't understand it. People like to do this. They like to be together with their hundreds, standing in shops, buying things they throw away almost as soon as they get it home. They call it FUNshopping. Where's the fun in not being able to move, breath, hear yourself think or buying the stuff you really need. Why can't people first think of what to buy, go into town, buy it and then get the hell out of there. I mean, I used to do that and now I'm forever in here. All thanks to funshopping.
To get me through Christmas the psychiatrist has bought me a copy of Quake 2. A great game, it really gets me going, I'm now training for the day they set me back on the street. I even made my own special level. What you see is a big shopping mall with many levels and staircases, elevators. Christmas decoration everywhere, 'jingle bells' blasting out of the speakers. The ways are filled with happy people, eating sausages and chips, kids crying, old people standing still. And lots of junk everywhere, barby dolls, books, Pavarotti CD's, 'Candle in the wind' by Elton John, Versace pants, the complete INXS backcatalog, Forrest Gump on video. Disney billboards everywhere. The perfectly horrible shopping mall, where you really can't find what you need, all in great detail. The hero of this level is a replica of me and the most heavy weapons imaginable: hi-energy cattleprod, napalm flamethrower, semtex bazooka, teflon exploding bullet machinegun, anthrax grenade launcher.
Aah. I had a wonderful christmas, seeing bodyparts flying through the air, Elton John CD's scaterring to pieces piercing everyone in the way. Burning the Christmas trees to a crisp. Seeing complete escalators explode. Elevators filled with people falling down. Turning 'Jingle Bells' into hardcore death metal with my grenade Launchers. Hanging Michael Hutchence products from a tree and blowing them to pieces.
This is my idea of funshopping. It will get me through to the next Christmas, still only about 300 funshopping days to go. Total carnage! Have a happy 1998! I already have.